Assumptions

There are certain things in life that we assume.  As women, I think the main assumption is that we will one day give birth.  You grow up with a subconcious knowledge that women continue the cycle of life.  Without women giving birth, no more human race.  

We take it for granted.  Nowadays, we wait longer to start our families.  There are many reasons for this.  We want to get our careers on track, we want to be financially stable, we want to travel and we want to enjoy some adult time with our partner and our friends.  In addition to this, we lead pretty stressed lives.  We are on the move, we tend to eat badly and many of us struggle to find the time to exercise.  The combination of all these factors does not bode well for pregnancy!  

Fertility clinics are bursting at the seams with local and foreign hopefuls all flocking to get help with falling pregnant.  These people spend an enormous amount of money and emotional energy and often end up disappointed.  It is an extremely stressful time and I think many people are unnaware how much stress they are under.  Sometimes marriages don't make it through fertility treatments and sometimes friendships are put under pressure. 

I remember when I was busy with my IVF cycles, it felt like everytime I went to book club or to visit friends, someone would announce a pregnancy.  I felt actual hatred for my really close friends.....and then guilt for feeling that hatred.  

My point is that women (and men) who are infertile have to process feelings of loss, grief, anger, guilt, depression, inadequacy, stress and more.  This need to be counselled through these feelings is often overlooked due to time and money constraints.

Me with my 2 week old baby in ICU

The process of fertility treatment and then maybe adoption is followed but once it's all over, and a few years have passed, how many of those unresolved feelings come back to haunt us.  Are we able to be good parents, good partners, good sisters, good friends when we have all this unresolved stuff in our heads and hearts? 

There are support groups and couselllors who specialise in this and I would urge people to make use of this.  Contact me if you need a list of people in your area.