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Adoptmom - What I do

Book now for the next discussion group

Hi all,

I am getting LOTS of requests for workshops / discussion groups.  Here are the details:

The next 2 dates are:
Sat 05 March 2011 and Sat 02 April 2011 (You may book either one or both!)

09h30 - 12h30

R 250 per person

This 3 hour workshop includes:

• Tea / coffee / juice / muffins
• Detailed info pack
• Input from a group of pre and post adoptive parents
• Talk by a guest speaker - usually a social worker

To book, please email adoptmom@mweb.co.za with the date you want to book and I will forward you a confirmation with the bank details for pre payment.

Hope to see you there!  It's always a great experience.

Terri

A piece from Wade Robins

So you are thinking of adopting.......

Adoption is an ancient custom of taking on another’s child as your own but has become increasingly popular for a variety of reasons – some people are unable to have children of their own and so decide to adopt a child instead, others want to give a child in need a better life, while still others have children of their own but want to extend their family and choose to do so through adoption. In this article we will not only look at whether you should adopt but also how to go about adopting.

As we have mentioned, there are a number of reasons why people decide to adopt a child but child adoption is not for everyone and it is important to ask yourself some questions before you decide whether adopting a child is for you. Firstly, are you emotionally, physically and financially capable of taking care of a child? Are you able to copy with any issues which they child may have – such as issues over being adopted and not being with their birth family (feelings of rejection by the birth family, etc.)? If you have other children are they ready to accept a new sibling through the process of adoption?

In addition, if you are an older adoptive parent or have any health issues which affect your daily life then you may want to discuss the possibility of adoption to find out whether you would be able to cope with your health problems as well as a child.

Adopting a child, however, can be a wonderful experience for people who are able to answer the above questions honestly and still feel that they would really like and be able to cope with another child. You are now able to love another child (perhaps your first) and are able to provide that child with a better future. So how do you go about it, if you have decided to adopt a child?

The child adoption process varies depending on the type of adoption you are going for as well as your home country and/or the country where you will be adopting a child from. In general though you need to begin by asking yourself what type of adoption you are going to go for – domestic or international? Older child or infant adoption? Open or closed adoption.

Once you have decided on the type of adoption the next thing is to find an adoption agency. There are a number of websites on the internet that have listings of child adoption agencies for both domestic and international adoption. Phone or visit a couple of these agencies and if possible attend any orientation courses they may be running.

Once you have chosen your agency, filled in the application form and paid the required fee, your counsellor or social worker will guide you through the whole child adoption procedure. This will include a number of interviews, home studies, and medical and criminal record checks. The length of this process will depend on the type of adoption you have chosen and your counsellor will be able to give you more information about this.

In conclusion, child adoption is not for everyone and before deciding to adopt it is important that you honestly answer some questions about your ability to look after this child. If you do decide to adopt however it can be a wonderful experience and truly benefit all involved.

Taken from: http://www.boliviabella.com/adoption-101.html

Author Wade Robins

Assumptions

There are certain things in life that we assume.  As women, I think the main assumption is that we will one day give birth.  You grow up with a subconcious knowledge that women continue the cycle of life.  Without women giving birth, no more human race.  

We take it for granted.  Nowadays, we wait longer to start our families.  There are many reasons for this.  We want to get our careers on track, we want to be financially stable, we want to travel and we want to enjoy some adult time with our partner and our friends.  In addition to this, we lead pretty stressed lives.  We are on the move, we tend to eat badly and many of us struggle to find the time to exercise.  The combination of all these factors does not bode well for pregnancy!  

Fertility clinics are bursting at the seams with local and foreign hopefuls all flocking to get help with falling pregnant.  These people spend an enormous amount of money and emotional energy and often end up disappointed.  It is an extremely stressful time and I think many people are unnaware how much stress they are under.  Sometimes marriages don't make it through fertility treatments and sometimes friendships are put under pressure. 

I remember when I was busy with my IVF cycles, it felt like everytime I went to book club or to visit friends, someone would announce a pregnancy.  I felt actual hatred for my really close friends.....and then guilt for feeling that hatred.  

My point is that women (and men) who are infertile have to process feelings of loss, grief, anger, guilt, depression, inadequacy, stress and more.  This need to be counselled through these feelings is often overlooked due to time and money constraints.

Me with my 2 week old baby in ICU

The process of fertility treatment and then maybe adoption is followed but once it's all over, and a few years have passed, how many of those unresolved feelings come back to haunt us.  Are we able to be good parents, good partners, good sisters, good friends when we have all this unresolved stuff in our heads and hearts? 

There are support groups and couselllors who specialise in this and I would urge people to make use of this.  Contact me if you need a list of people in your area.

Meeting new people all the time and ready to write a new book

I love my work!  It gives me such a thrill to meet people who are in any way associated with adoption.  It is such a happy topic and there is always so much love involved!!  I am inspired to get going with my next book now!  My first book is geared at 2 - 6 year olds but now that my angel is 6, I need to move to the next level.  My son, chose last night to ask me some pretty serious questions about his adoption and I realised it was time for a book aimed at Tweenies!  (9 - 13 Years)  Strangely, this morning, I met a 12 year old girl who is adopted and is going to chat to me later this week so I guess it's official....I am currently researching my new book!  Yippee.  I have a spring in my step.  I am also busy with my studies now......Diploma in counselling.  I want branch out a bit into "the other side"....pregnant teenagers!  So, if any of you know a tweenie who want to be invloved in my research (adopted or not), please let me know.  I will hold a free Tweenie workshop in the next few weeks so watch this space.

My next parent workshop (for pre and post adoptive parents) is on Sat 5 Feb from 09h30 to 12h30.  Please book in advance as space is limited.

A guest letter from Ally

Gabriel the snowman, June 2002

Meet Gabriel: Born in February 2002, miracle child of mine!

“ I thought I would have to teach my child about the world. Turns out I have to teach the world about my son. They see a child who cannot speak, I see a miracle that does not need words.”

There is a world that we all know and are familiar with, the world of perfection and normality and there is our world. Our world is filled with imperfection and heartache, it is filled with children with disabilities and abnormalities, it is filled with doctors, therapists, hospitals and medication, it is filled with love, affection and understanding, and with anger, guilt and pain. We never asked to be thrown into this world, it just happened that way but looking back now, we would not change a thing.

Ally and Gabriel, July 2002

Gabriel was born in February 2002. He was born with a cleft lip and after that he was diagnosed with Lobar Holoprosencephaly, partial Agenesis of the Corpus Collosum, Craniostynosis, Microcephaly, Absence Seizures and Diabetes Insipidus (water diabetes not sugar). We were devastated. It felt like our whole world had fallen to pieces. We were told Gabriel may never walk and may never amount to anything. We decided then and there that we were going to fight for our son's to quality of life and give him every opportunity in his life to help him achieve his full potential. And so our journey began…not knowing what the future would hold for our son... a rollercoaster of emotions... fear, pain, grief, sadness, guilt, blame, anger, hate, pity and then finally we found ourselves with acceptance and happiness.

Gabriel started therapy when he was 9 months old and we incorporate his therapy into his daily routines and it has become a part of our natural lives. He attends occupational therapy, physiotherapy, speech therapy and horse riding. Gabriel achieved all his milestones at the correct age until he was 6 months old and after that he started to show severe developmental delays.

Gabriel now goes to a wonderful special needs school in the mornings where he is thriving and is learning independence. He is currently assessed at about 10-14 months cognitively but we have learned to appreciate things that he can do, and not to look at the things he cannot.

Gabriel & Ivor, August 2003

Gabriel crawled at 12 months and walked at 20 months on his own. He is a very active curious child and has a strong will and determination that helps him to succeed. He loves to jump, play and sing. He has mastered walking up and down stairs on his own, can switch his electronic toys on and off, turn pages in books, chooses which toys to play with plus lots more. He is non-verbal and cannot sign but manages to communicate most of his needs with his eyes or body movements. He started eating solids at 3 ½ years old and now loves to eat all foods. He has very little concept of danger and needs to cared for and watched at all times. Sleep is not a word in our household but after so many years, we seem to have gotten use to the lack of sleep. We have adjusted our lives around the needs of Gabriel and this is our life. We know no other life and we have known no better.

March 2004

It has not been an easy road and we know that we have a lot of challenges ahead of us. But part of the healing process is acceptance and an understanding that every child is unique in their own way. The fact that our child will never leave home, will never go to a university, read or write, or ever get married is part of accepting, it is part of loving your child unconditionally and is part of the realization that Gabriel is perfect in our eyes and in God's eyes. It is the understanding that miracles do happen. That everything a child does is a miracle, every movement, every breath. It is part of appreciating life for what it is, for what it gives you and is part of changing priorities and seeing beyond what society dictates as normal. It is opening your eyes to see one of God's angels lying in your arms, smiling at his parents with his big blue eyes and blonde curls. Gabriel is GREAT teacher without knowing, and makes people realize what they actually have and to be grateful for just that!

Gabriel has an aura around him, an energy that draws people to him, an energy that makes every person smile in his presence, and an energy that makes everything around him radiate with sunshine. Gabriel brings us an overwhelming joy and our biggest motivation to keep going is his constant smile and laughter.

In 2008, Gabriel became big brother to Jaden after a long battle and he is now a normal and healthy toddler who loves his brother. Although Jaden has overtaken Gabriel in cognitive development, the two play together and enjoy each other’s company. My children have been my inspiration, and through the long sleepless nights and the stressful times when Gabriel is sick, I am still so grateful for every day that we have with him.

Living with Gabriel has become OUR way of life, no books, no instructions, the medical text books all say that kids with HPE mostly die or are "vegetables", BUT with only an overseas support group with an unbelievable bunch of HPE moms to guide and advise us along our journey which has been our saving grace . At least our medical team listens to us, and asks US what to do in some cases with Gabriel and even takes the advice of the support group, as it is us moms that know better about daily life with HPE than the specialists.

We have learnt that Gabriel is not his diagnosis and we try not to focus on it too much. Gabriel is Gabriel, and that is pure innocent love.

Gabriel & Jaden, 2009

It doesn’t matter what Gabriel can’t do. What matters is that we have been given this special child and that he has a happy and content life. It is as simple as that...