Fourteen years ago, I was confronted with my own infertility struggles: after having a successful first pregnancy, my husband and I were not able to get pregnant a second time and I was eventually diagnosed with unknown secondary infertility. Over several years’ time, I went through numerous insemination cycles and several in vitro fertilization cycles before becoming pregnant with twin boys. Treatment was difficult, both physically and emotionally and at times strained what was, until then, a very happy union.
Going through all this instilled in me a desire to help others through their own infertility cycles, and eventually lead me to start my own company, Lotus Blossom Consulting. What I present in this article are the lessons I learned not only from my own treatment, but also the sum of over fourteen years’ experience working in the industry and walking with others through their cycles.
I hope that this toolbox of ideas and pointers helps you as much as it does all my other clients.
ART is a full time job
For many who have not gone through infertility treatment, or who may have just started, they might wonder why there is so much fuss about injections and cycles, and treatment. We quickly realize that it is not just the stress of not being able to have your own child; assisted reproductive technology, in all its glory, is extremely hard to undergo financially, emotionally and physically.
Infertility cycles using ART require a strict and sometimes painful treatment regimen, involving heavy dosages of injectable medications, needles, policies about when to have sex, and frequent trips to the physician. Women may need several days off over the course of treatment for recovery. On top of it all, ART is not cheap, and if you are lucky, insurance might cover some of the cost. Finally, significant gaps of time pass with no results. There is a lot of “wait and see” in an ART cycle.
For many, such a strain on time, body and budget inevitably impacts their professional and personal relationships. Will you be able to get time off without having the entire office know? Do you tell your family? Will they be supportive? How long will it take to get pregnant? Can you afford more than one cycle? These issues along with a host of others create stress even in good situations. Managing all of these physical, emotional and financial arms is what makes an ART cycle another full time job. What this leads to is extreme stress, and it is clear that people make bad decisions under duress. My system encourages you to think about the whole picture and lay a foundation before treatment, so that decisions you make, at the time you make them, are the ones in hindsight you are glad you made.
7 effective strategies to maximize your opportunity
I have seven points that I go through with all of my clients when I first meet with them. This helps us clarify goals, examine differences of opinion and determine answers to “if, then” scenarios. This is the foundation of the family building plan. Talking through these points alleviates some of the stress that can crop up later, and allows you to move forward more quickly and confidently when treatment does not go as planned.
Enlist a team approach including multi disciplinary professionals to address specific needs
“Enlisting a team approach” means relying on the professionals available to you for their area of expertise. What I often see are people who look to their physician or nurses for emotional support and counseling as well as legal and financial advice. As wonderful and caring as these people are, oftentimes they are unable to fulfill this role. Not only is this not their function, but they simply do not have the time to be the emotional ballast for all of their patients. People become unhappy with their doctor when there is no fault to blame. The solution is to rely on them for their subject matter expertise and use your friends, family and a therapist for emotional support. Use your legal counsel for your contracts in a third party cycle, and your accountant or financial planner for help planning costs.
Establish a foundation of financial resources
Speaking of financial planners, the second step I review with clients is making sure that at the outset, they have enough funds set aside not only to pay for one treatment cycle, but to cover all potential costs involved with two cycles. It is a very real possibility, especially depending upon your diagnosis, that the first cycle might not be successful. Balancing hope with caution is an essential element to staying positive and clear when treatment does not go as planned, and having the financial resources available to move immediately to the next step if necessary takes some strain out of the situation.
Define the end family building goal
Understanding how big you want your family to be drives early decisions, particularly financial planning. Additionally, this impacts how you might use your insurance benefits and how you handle third party cycles.
Set financial parameters and timeframes to help guide you through treatment options and establish indicators to know when to change the course of treatment
Establishing financial parameters and timeframes means discussing the common “if, then” scenarios encountered with ART as well as your own personal situation. It involves taking an honest look at your diagnosis and realistic outcomes in terms of your family’s financial plan. Although this is difficult, it is easier to do when you, your partner and physician are not already invested in one, two, or however many cycles down the road; it is easier now than when you are already tapped out financially and have used up all of your insurance benefits. Having the discussion as part of the foundation building component of your treatment allows for an optimal decision. You avoid having the decision tainted by any other undue stress.
Analyze each chance of success in conjunction with the financial outlay. Enlist an independent unbiased perspective to help you since judgment is often clouded by intense emotions.
As I mentioned just a moment ago, part of setting parameters and timeframes is taking an honest look at your diagnosis and the average success rate given your situation. Use an infertility consultant or other professional whose opinion you value to help guide you and your partner through this process.
Communicate often and openly with your partner to identify and address each others’ concerns. Work together to be effective team leaders.
We hear this often enough to know that this is a fundamental truth to any good relationship. Easier said than done, right? If you find it hard to communicate with your partner, enlist a professional to help you with this. Infertility treatment is well known to cause stress and strain even in a good, solid partnership. Break the ice; bring up the issue- do what you need to keep the relationship healthy through the stress.
Make informed medical decisions and be confident in your decisions as you work to achieve results.
In order to be confident with your decisions and secure in your plan, you need to make informed medical decisions. Knowing at the highest point of stress, or when the worst “what if” scenario becomes a reality, that you made your decisions in good stead with open and honest communication with your partner and your team gives a great sense of comfort and eases the pain.
Making an informed decision involves educating yourself about your diagnosis and the available treatment options for your condition. It means realistically analyzing the chance of success for each treatment option in light of your financial situation. Do not be afraid to ask your physicians all the questions you have, and seek a second opinion if you feel you need to. Additionally, do your insurance homework to ensure that you maximize all your lifetime benefits. Call your provider more than once if need be and send a letter to them requesting your benefits in writing.
Also, plan for multiple cycles and if you are using a third party, identify the best possible resources for donors or surrogates. Identifying a candidate that closely meets your criteria affords a confidence level for the cycle, and with resources available nationwide there is no need to settle for a candidate.
ART does not have to be overwhelming. ART can be challenging, sometimes scary, often exciting and always very powerful. Do not be afraid to ask questions and seek help. The rewards you reap as a result of your effort and hard work building the foundation for your cycle will be well worth the time and effort devoted to the journey.
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