The Wait

Making the decision to adopt a child is the hardest part right? After that you fill out some forms, get evaluated and then get given an angel of joy that will complete your life. Easy, peasy! Only not even close.

Adopting a child is one of the most grueling processes and it can take a year, if you are lucky. Once you have made the decision to adopt and you fill out the relevant forms the excitement is almost uncontrollable. You start imagining your life with a precious one by your side. Your life begins to circle around the thought of your new addition. As the excitement builds you start looking forward to the day more and more and your life starts snowballing towards that point. The problem is, there is no certain date and you have to wait and wait and wait. 

Often there will be bumps in the road that crush excitement and make you negative about the process. After a mother has put her baby up for adoption, she has 60 days after birth where she can change her mind. Agencies usually have a policy that states parents looking to adopt will only be notified after those 60 days. Some agencies don't do this and it can lead to broken hearts if a biological mother changes her mind and the baby has already been living with the adoptive parents for a few weeks. 

Often the wait, once the initial excitement has dies down, can be excruciating. you know that your little angel is on its way but you have no idea when. Seeing children playing and hearing them laugh can be agonising and innocent comments by other people can hurt more than anyone can imagine. But, when that day finally does come, every agonising moment and every speck of pain will all be worth it. The over whelming relief and happiness will flood your life with joy and your life will change forever. Keeping holding on, your prefect day is coming. 

What Happen If...

A scary, and more often than not, an uncomfortable scenario arises when your child starts asking who his or her biological are and even more so, when your child wants to find them. You need to be prepared for this moment and understand that you need to play the supportive role. You are now their adviser more so than ever.

This is a giant moment and can be a trying time for everyone involved. It touches on a lot of sensitive topics that could end badly for your child, which is what you instinctively want to prevent. If your child was abandoned  or stated they did not want to see the child again then you are obligated to tell your child. Give your child all the facts and support whatever decision they make, it is their right.

Ask your child if they want your assistance and help them where you can. Be honest with your child, treat them with respect. Be there for your child no matter what the outcome is. Recommend counselling for you child before and during the process. This will help them come to grips with the bad and the ugly of searching for biological parents, because it could all end in tears.

There are many scenarios that your child should prepare for. The biological mother may have fallen pregnant by a traumatic event like rape or an abusive relationship. They may now be married and their partner and family may not know about the child, they mother may not want to meet the child for a number of reasons and revisiting the pain of abandonment is sometimes too painful for the adopted child. Any one of these situations could force old trauma to rear its ugly head causing more damage than good.

According to the law anyone over the age of 18 can search for biological parents but will need adoptive parents permission. If you are over the age of 21 you can search without permission. According to Section 248 (1) of the Childrens Act (Act No 38 of 2005) prescribes that the information contained in the adoption register may not be disclosed to any person, except

(a) to an adopted child after the child has reached the age of 18 years

(b) to the adoptive parent of an adopted child after the child has reached the age of 18 years

(c) to the biological parents or previous adoptive parent of an adopted child after the child has reached the age of 18 years , but only if the adoptive parent and the adopted child gives consent in writing.

(d) for any official purposes subject to conditions determined by the Director General.

(e) by an order of Court, if the court finds that such information is in the best interest of the adopted child

(f) for purpose of research provided that no information that would reveal the identity of an adopted child or his adoptive or biological parent revealed

It is advised to go through an adoptive agency, and even better, the one that was involved in the adoption as they should have records of the adoption and all the relevant information. It is better to have a social worker involved as they can lead you through the process and ensure that you are well prepared for any curve balls that may come your way.

Be strong during this time and keep  lines of communication open with your child. This is as hard for them as it is for you. Respect your child and support them no matter the outcome.

Visit out Counselling and Links page for more information and assistance.