Saturday, February 26, 2011

Questions with so many answers

Today, I would like to share with you some of the questions I regularly get asked:

  • My child is 3 now, how should I tell him/hers/ about the adoption?
  • When is a good time to start telling my child s/he is adopted?
  • We are a gay couple, who will help us to adopt?
  • I am a single person.  Will I be elegible to adopt on my own?
  • I only want a white baby.  Is there any chance of this in South Africa?
  • What rights does the birth mom have after the adoption is done?
  • Will I be able to love a child that I haven't given birth to?
  • What's best...private adoption or child welfare?
  • I am over 38 years.  Can I adopt?
  • How old will my baby be when I get him / her?


Depending on who you talk to, the answers to these questions can differ quite substantially.  My message....if you are out there and you want to adopt, keep asking and asking until you get the answer you are happy with.

On another note, a HUGE HUGE thank you to Kirsten Felbert who has designed my logo...see below and is busy re-illustrating my book.
She is a very talented, special lady!  Thanks Kirsten!!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Like this page

Hello all you beautiful people out there.  Please like the adoptmom Facebookpage and then join the discussions.
I would love to have your comments....I am researching 2 new books at the moment.
All Blog comments and Facebook comments are welcome.

Thanks
Terri

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

UK adoption policy to be colour blind

Source: http://www.news24.com/World/News/UK-adoption-policy-to-be-colour-blind-20110222

London - Race should no longer be a key criteria for social workers seeking adoptive families for children in care, Britain's government said on Tuesday - stressing that the priority must instead be to find a child a new home quickly.
Education Secretary Michael Gove, who was himself adopted, said that for too long sensitivities about ethnicity had complicated efforts to place black and ethnic minority children, meaning they wait far longer than white children for a permanent home.

Issuing new advice to those working on adoptions, Gove moved Britain closer in line to European neighbours - who largely disregard a child's ethnicity.
Dismissing critics - which include the National Association of Black Social Workers in the United States - who insist ethnicity must be a concern when matching a child to adoptive parents, he said "politically correct attitudes and ridiculous bureaucracy" had left officials too reluctant to authorize interracial adoptions.

"As a result children from ethnic minority backgrounds languish in care for longer than other kids and are denied the opportunities they deserve," said Gove. "This misguided nonsense punishes those who most need our help and that is why this government is sweeping it away."
He claimed difficulties in placing ethnic minority children - who are over-represented in Britain's care system - had led to a decline in the country's adoption rate. Figures show 3 200 children were placed for adoption in the UK last year, down by about 100 on the previous 12 months.
Will Cooper, a 30-year-old born to an Iranian father and English mother, was adopted by a white English family as an infant. He said his adoptive parents made him aware of his ethnicity, but that it didn't have an impact on his upbringing.

Quality of life
"I really don't think there was any difference to my life. There is that mystery about my background, but it's not something that really affects me," said Cooper, who is running the London Marathon in April to raise money for Action for Children, a charity which helped assist his adoption.
He said Gove was right to challenge the perception that ethnicity should be a factor when deciding whether to place a child with a particular family.
"It should be down to quality of life. If they are the same ethnic background, then great, but it shouldn't be a barrier if they're not," he said.
Social workers have often been reluctant to place children with parents of a different race because of concerns it may make it harder for a child to integrate with their new family, or because it can make it immediately apparent that a child's adoptive parents are not their biological parents.
Some communities have in the past also opposed children being placed with families of a different race, believing adopters should have a detailed understanding of a child's ethnic, or religious identity.
In the US, the black social workers association and other groups have argued that black children should be placed with black adoptive families, if possible - citing the need to preserve links to their ethnic ancestry.
Like Gove, many believe that British adoption officials have long understood their priority to place children with parents of a similar background.

Encourage minority families
"I do believe there's reluctance among social workers to place kids with families of a different ethnicity, but more due to pressures put upon them by the system," said Cooper.
In both Britain and the US the number of black or ethnic monitory children who need adoption is higher than the number of prospective families who share their background. Specific campaigns in the UK have attempted to encourage black and other minority families to put themselves forward as prospective adopters.
Britain's new advice orders social workers to make placing a child with any suitable family their priority. Gove said speed must trump concerns over "skin colour, or faith, or ethnic background."
The education ministry said that on average, a white child waits 610 days to be placed with a permanent adoptive family, while black and ethnic minority children wait about 966 days - almost a full year longer.
"I know that children tend to do well when placed with a family who shares their ethnic or cultural background, but I know also that delay can have a very detrimental effect," said children's minister Tim Loughton.
"If there can be an ethnic match that's an advantage, possibly a very significant one. But, it should never be a deal-breaker," he said.

The right support needed
Judith Washington, a retired social worker who spent 15 years handling adoptions in New York, said pressure to find children a permanent adoptive family quickly can lead to mistakes - or a lack of vital preparation work.
"People who adopt also need help to understand the implications, and to optimize the chances of the adoption being a success," said Washington, who retired in 2004.
She said it's vital those adopting a child of another race have the right support before the child joins their family. Washington said there had been little research to examine the success of adoptions where children are placed with parents of another race.
Gove said his own experience meant it was a personal crusade to increase the numbers of children in public care who are placed with new families.
"I was given a second chance - and as a result of the love and affection, the stability and care that my parents gave me, all the opportunities that I subsequently had in life were there," he said.
- SAPA

Sunday, February 20, 2011

To judge or not to judge

After the article was published last week in the Tygerberger, I was inundated with emails from people.  One thing struck me......so many people think they are at liberty to judge others!

I have heard from gay couples, single women, women of 45 years and more.  All have a common thread.  They are being judged and told that they are not candidates for adoption.

I also had a comment from someone saying that it is not right to raise a child that is not genetically yours and that different cultures / colours / genes / religions etc cannot be made to be together - it is not meant to be like this.

Interestingly, I remember when I was undergoing fertility treatment and then later applying for a coloured adopted child, I had a number of people telling me that I should not be doing that.  Religious people said that IVF was messing with God's plan.  Right wing people said that mixing colours could never work.

I am getting to a point here.  One thing seems to be common amongst the judgers.........they all have biological children!  Lucky, lucky them.  How nice to produce children naturally in the sanctity of a happy marriage and then sit back and berate others who are not as lucky and are doing whatever they can to fill a deep deep void.

Come on guys....It's not like people choose this path.  It's the only hope we have left of knowing the greatness of parenting.  How about some support instead?


 

Newspaper article about me

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Adoptmom - What I do

Book now for the next discussion group

Hi all,

I am getting LOTS of requests for workshops / discussion groups.  Here are the details:

The next 2 dates are:
Sat 05 March 2011 and Sat 02 April 2011 (You may book either one or both!)
09h30 - 12h30
R 250 per person

This 3 hour workshop includes:
  • Tea / coffee / juice / muffins
  • Detailed info pack
  • Input from a group of pre and post adoptive parents
  • Talk by a guest speaker - usually a social worker

To book, please email adoptmom@mweb.co.za with the date you want to book and I will forward you a confirmation with the bank details for pre payment.

Hope to see you there!  It's always a great experience.
Terri





Sunday, February 13, 2011

A piece from Wade Robins


So you are thinking of adopting.......
Adoption is an ancient custom of taking on another’s child as your own but has become increasingly popular for a variety of reasons – some people are unable to have children of their own and so decide to adopt a child instead, others want to give a child in need a better life, while still others have children of their own but want to extend their family and choose to do so through adoption. In this article we will not only look at whether you should adopt but also how to go about adopting.
As we have mentioned, there are a number of reasons why people decide to adopt a child but child adoption is not for everyone and it is important to ask yourself some questions before you decide whether adopting a child is for you. Firstly, are you emotionally, physically and financially capable of taking care of a child? Are you able to copy with any issues which they child may have – such as issues over being adopted and not being with their birth family (feelings of rejection by the birth family, etc.)? If you have other children are they ready to accept a new sibling through the process of adoption?
In addition, if you are an older adoptive parent or have any health issues which affect your daily life then you may want to discuss the possibility of adoption to find out whether you would be able to cope with your health problems as well as a child.
Adopting a child, however, can be a wonderful experience for people who are able to answer the above questions honestly and still feel that they would really like and be able to cope with another child. You are now able to love another child (perhaps your first) and are able to provide that child with a better future. So how do you go about it, if you have decided to adopt a child?
The child adoption process varies depending on the type of adoption you are going for as well as your home country and/or the country where you will be adopting a child from. In general though you need to begin by asking yourself what type of adoption you are going to go for – domestic or international? Older child or infant adoption? Open or closed adoption.
Once you have decided on the type of adoption the next thing is to find an adoption agency. There are a number of websites on the internet that have listings of child adoption agencies for both domestic and international adoption. Phone or visit a couple of these agencies and if possible attend any orientation courses they may be running.
Once you have chosen your agency, filled in the application form and paid the required fee, your counsellor or social worker will guide you through the whole child adoption procedure. This will include a number of interviews, home studies, and medical and criminal record checks. The length of this process will depend on the type of adoption you have chosen and your counsellor will be able to give you more information about this.
In conclusion, child adoption is not for everyone and before deciding to adopt it is important that you honestly answer some questions about your ability to look after this child. If you do decide to adopt however it can be a wonderful experience and truly benefit all involved.
Author Wade Robins

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Assumptions

There are certain things in life that we assume.  As women, I think the main assumption is that we will one day give birth.  You grow up with a subconcious knowledge that women continue the cycle of life.  Without women giving birth, no more human race.  
We take it for granted.  Nowadays, we wait longer to start our families.  There are many reasons for this.  We want to get our careers on track, we want to be financially stable, we want to travel and we want to enjoy some adult time with our partner and our friends.  In addition to this, we lead pretty stressed lives.  We are on the move, we tend to eat badly and many of us struggle to find the time to exercise.  The combination of all these factors does not bode well for pregnancy!  

Fertility clinics are bursting at the seams with local and foreign hopefuls all flocking to get help with falling pregnant.  These people spend an enormous amount of money and emotional energy and often end up disappointed.  It is an extremely stressful time and I think many people are unnaware how much stress they are under.  Sometimes marriages don't make it through fertility treatments and sometimes friendships are put under pressure. 
I remember when I was busy with my IVF cycles, it felt like everytime I went to book club or to visit friends, someone would announce a pregnancy.  I felt actual hatred for my really close friends.....and then guilt for feeling that hatred.  
My point is that women (and men) who are infertile have to process feelings of loss, grief, anger, guilt, depression, inadequacy, stress and more.  This need to be counselled through these feelings is often overlooked due to time and money constraints.

Me with my 2 week old baby in ICU
The process of fertility treatment and then maybe adoption is followed but once it's all over, and a few years have passed, how many of those unresolved feelings come back to haunt us.  Are we able to be good parents, good partners, good sisters, good friends when we have all this unresolved stuff in our heads and hearts? 
There are support groups and couselllors who specialise in this and I would urge people to make use of this.  Contact me if you need a list of people in your area.