Monday, March 25, 2013

The Wait

Making the decision to adopt a child is the hardest part right? After that you fill out some forms, get evaluated and then get given an angel of joy that will complete your life. Easy, peasy! Only not even close.

Adopting a child is one of the most grueling processes and it can take a year, if you are lucky. Once you have made the decision to adopt and you fill out the relevant forms the excitement is almost uncontrollable. You start imagining your life with a precious one by your side. Your life begins to circle around the thought of your new addition. As the excitement builds you start looking forward to the day more and more and your life starts snowballing towards that point. The problem is, there is no certain date and you have to wait and wait and wait. 

Often there will be bumps in the road that crush excitement and make you negative about the process. After a mother has put her baby up for adoption, she has 60 days after birth where she can change her mind. Agencies usually have a policy that states parents looking to adopt will only be notified after those 60 days. Some agencies don't do this and it can lead to broken hearts if a biological mother changes her mind and the baby has already been living with the adoptive parents for a few weeks. 

Often the wait, once the initial excitement has dies down, can be excruciating. you know that your little angel is on its way but you have no idea when. Seeing children playing and hearing them laugh can be agonising and innocent comments by other people can hurt more than anyone can imagine. But, when that day finally does come, every agonising moment and every speck of pain will all be worth it. The over whelming relief and happiness will flood your life with joy and your life will change forever. Keeping holding on, your prefect day is coming. 

Friday, March 22, 2013

What Happen If...

A scary, and more often than not, an uncomfortable scenario arises when your child starts asking who his or her biological are and even more so, when your child wants to find them. You need to be prepared for this moment and understand that you need to play the supportive role. You are now their adviser more so than ever.

This is a giant moment and can be a trying time for everyone involved. It touches on a lot of sensitive topics that could end badly for your child, which is what you instinctively want to prevent. If your child was abandoned  or stated they did not want to see the child again then you are obligated to tell your child. Give your child all the facts and support whatever decision they make, it is their right.

Ask your child if they want your assistance and help them where you can. Be honest with your child, treat them with respect. Be there for your child no matter what the outcome is. Recommend counselling for you child before and during the process. This will help them come to grips with the bad and the ugly of searching for biological parents, because it could all end in tears.

There are many scenarios that your child should prepare for. The biological mother may have fallen pregnant by a traumatic event like rape or an abusive relationship. They may now be married and their partner and family may not know about the child, they mother may not want to meet the child for a number of reasons and revisiting the pain of abandonment is sometimes too painful for the adopted child. Any one of these situations could force old trauma to rear its ugly head causing more damage than good.

According to the law anyone over the age of 18 can search for biological parents but will need adoptive parents permission. If you are over the age of 21 you can search without permission. According to Section 248 (1) of the Childrens Act (Act No 38 of 2005) prescribes that the information contained in the adoption register may not be disclosed to any person, except

(a) to an adopted child after the child has reached the age of 18 years

(b) to the adoptive parent of an adopted child after the child has reached the age of 18 years

(c) to the biological parents or previous adoptive parent of an adopted child after the child has reached the age of 18 years , but only if the adoptive parent and the adopted child gives consent in writing.

(d) for any official purposes subject to conditions determined by the Director General.

(e) by an order of Court, if the court finds that such information is in the best interest of the adopted child

(f) for purpose of research provided that no information that would reveal the identity of an adopted child or his adoptive or biological parent revealed

It is advised to go through an adoptive agency, and even better, the one that was involved in the adoption as they should have records of the adoption and all the relevant information. It is better to have a social worker involved as they can lead you through the process and ensure that you are well prepared for any curve balls that may come your way.

Be strong during this time and keep  lines of communication open with your child. This is as hard for them as it is for you. Respect your child and support them no matter the outcome.

Visit out Counselling and Links page for more information and assistance.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

My blog has moved!

I am very excited to announce that my blog has moved onto the home page of my brand new website! Please have a look at www.adoptmom.co.za

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Questions with so many answers

Today, I would like to share with you some of the questions I regularly get asked:

  • My child is 3 now, how should I tell him/hers/ about the adoption?
  • When is a good time to start telling my child s/he is adopted?
  • We are a gay couple, who will help us to adopt?
  • I am a single person.  Will I be elegible to adopt on my own?
  • I only want a white baby.  Is there any chance of this in South Africa?
  • What rights does the birth mom have after the adoption is done?
  • Will I be able to love a child that I haven't given birth to?
  • What's best...private adoption or child welfare?
  • I am over 38 years.  Can I adopt?
  • How old will my baby be when I get him / her?


Depending on who you talk to, the answers to these questions can differ quite substantially.  My message....if you are out there and you want to adopt, keep asking and asking until you get the answer you are happy with.

On another note, a HUGE HUGE thank you to Kirsten Felbert who has designed my logo...see below and is busy re-illustrating my book.
She is a very talented, special lady!  Thanks Kirsten!!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Like this page

Hello all you beautiful people out there.  Please like the adoptmom Facebookpage and then join the discussions.
I would love to have your comments....I am researching 2 new books at the moment.
All Blog comments and Facebook comments are welcome.

Thanks
Terri

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

UK adoption policy to be colour blind

Source: http://www.news24.com/World/News/UK-adoption-policy-to-be-colour-blind-20110222

London - Race should no longer be a key criteria for social workers seeking adoptive families for children in care, Britain's government said on Tuesday - stressing that the priority must instead be to find a child a new home quickly.
Education Secretary Michael Gove, who was himself adopted, said that for too long sensitivities about ethnicity had complicated efforts to place black and ethnic minority children, meaning they wait far longer than white children for a permanent home.

Issuing new advice to those working on adoptions, Gove moved Britain closer in line to European neighbours - who largely disregard a child's ethnicity.
Dismissing critics - which include the National Association of Black Social Workers in the United States - who insist ethnicity must be a concern when matching a child to adoptive parents, he said "politically correct attitudes and ridiculous bureaucracy" had left officials too reluctant to authorize interracial adoptions.

"As a result children from ethnic minority backgrounds languish in care for longer than other kids and are denied the opportunities they deserve," said Gove. "This misguided nonsense punishes those who most need our help and that is why this government is sweeping it away."
He claimed difficulties in placing ethnic minority children - who are over-represented in Britain's care system - had led to a decline in the country's adoption rate. Figures show 3 200 children were placed for adoption in the UK last year, down by about 100 on the previous 12 months.
Will Cooper, a 30-year-old born to an Iranian father and English mother, was adopted by a white English family as an infant. He said his adoptive parents made him aware of his ethnicity, but that it didn't have an impact on his upbringing.

Quality of life
"I really don't think there was any difference to my life. There is that mystery about my background, but it's not something that really affects me," said Cooper, who is running the London Marathon in April to raise money for Action for Children, a charity which helped assist his adoption.
He said Gove was right to challenge the perception that ethnicity should be a factor when deciding whether to place a child with a particular family.
"It should be down to quality of life. If they are the same ethnic background, then great, but it shouldn't be a barrier if they're not," he said.
Social workers have often been reluctant to place children with parents of a different race because of concerns it may make it harder for a child to integrate with their new family, or because it can make it immediately apparent that a child's adoptive parents are not their biological parents.
Some communities have in the past also opposed children being placed with families of a different race, believing adopters should have a detailed understanding of a child's ethnic, or religious identity.
In the US, the black social workers association and other groups have argued that black children should be placed with black adoptive families, if possible - citing the need to preserve links to their ethnic ancestry.
Like Gove, many believe that British adoption officials have long understood their priority to place children with parents of a similar background.

Encourage minority families
"I do believe there's reluctance among social workers to place kids with families of a different ethnicity, but more due to pressures put upon them by the system," said Cooper.
In both Britain and the US the number of black or ethnic monitory children who need adoption is higher than the number of prospective families who share their background. Specific campaigns in the UK have attempted to encourage black and other minority families to put themselves forward as prospective adopters.
Britain's new advice orders social workers to make placing a child with any suitable family their priority. Gove said speed must trump concerns over "skin colour, or faith, or ethnic background."
The education ministry said that on average, a white child waits 610 days to be placed with a permanent adoptive family, while black and ethnic minority children wait about 966 days - almost a full year longer.
"I know that children tend to do well when placed with a family who shares their ethnic or cultural background, but I know also that delay can have a very detrimental effect," said children's minister Tim Loughton.
"If there can be an ethnic match that's an advantage, possibly a very significant one. But, it should never be a deal-breaker," he said.

The right support needed
Judith Washington, a retired social worker who spent 15 years handling adoptions in New York, said pressure to find children a permanent adoptive family quickly can lead to mistakes - or a lack of vital preparation work.
"People who adopt also need help to understand the implications, and to optimize the chances of the adoption being a success," said Washington, who retired in 2004.
She said it's vital those adopting a child of another race have the right support before the child joins their family. Washington said there had been little research to examine the success of adoptions where children are placed with parents of another race.
Gove said his own experience meant it was a personal crusade to increase the numbers of children in public care who are placed with new families.
"I was given a second chance - and as a result of the love and affection, the stability and care that my parents gave me, all the opportunities that I subsequently had in life were there," he said.
- SAPA

Sunday, February 20, 2011

To judge or not to judge

After the article was published last week in the Tygerberger, I was inundated with emails from people.  One thing struck me......so many people think they are at liberty to judge others!

I have heard from gay couples, single women, women of 45 years and more.  All have a common thread.  They are being judged and told that they are not candidates for adoption.

I also had a comment from someone saying that it is not right to raise a child that is not genetically yours and that different cultures / colours / genes / religions etc cannot be made to be together - it is not meant to be like this.

Interestingly, I remember when I was undergoing fertility treatment and then later applying for a coloured adopted child, I had a number of people telling me that I should not be doing that.  Religious people said that IVF was messing with God's plan.  Right wing people said that mixing colours could never work.

I am getting to a point here.  One thing seems to be common amongst the judgers.........they all have biological children!  Lucky, lucky them.  How nice to produce children naturally in the sanctity of a happy marriage and then sit back and berate others who are not as lucky and are doing whatever they can to fill a deep deep void.

Come on guys....It's not like people choose this path.  It's the only hope we have left of knowing the greatness of parenting.  How about some support instead?